Why it is important to look after you and baby in those early days

This months blog was inspired by a facebook post I read this morning on how important is to focus on our babies rather than the up keep of the house.

I dont know why so much pressure is put on new mums to almost deliver baby and return to pre baby behaviour, when all our instincts are telling you to coccoon yourselves with your baby and just watch and respond to their every need.

Those early days and months are vital in creating the bond between you and your baby - you cannot spoil a baby by picking them up and cuddling them - by reacting to their every cry by picking them up teaches then they are safe and secure and that someone will respond to their need - evolution has designed us to pick up crying babies and designed babies to cry when they need us. Eleanor Maccoby did a great study.  She measured how long it took for mothers to respond to infant cries and followed these families for several years and she found:-

• The faster moms picked up infants, the less babies cried.
• Babies who were picked up fast grew up to be the most independent and curious toddlers.
• Competent babies know how to get people to fulfill their needs - they cry and then they smile when someone comes.
• Competent toddlers know how to explore the world - they use their loved ones as a safe base from which to explore.

Cuddling and holding your baby helps their immune system and creates a feeling of well-being, it raises the wonderful hormone of Oxytocin - the wonderful hormone which helps your cervix to ripple open during labour, help your milk come down during breastfeeding and makes you feel incredibly close to the person your cuddling whether it be your baby or partner.

Singing, stroking and rocking your baby ecourages brain development and stimulates the senses. Gentle swooshing noises, ssshhhing and rocking creates similar environments to the womb and baby feels safe. 

Not only is spending time with your baby is important but equally as important is looking after yourself is essential. You have just spent time physically and emotionally giving birth and yes as proud parents you want to show your precious baby to all your family and friends it is important you give yourself some R&R. 

Not so very long ago women used to stay in hospital for 5 days, after baby was born and visiting was restricted - there was a good reason for this to allow new mums to rest and spend time with their baby and establish breastfeeding. Now we have a culture regardless of political influences and funding, for women to leave hospital within 6 hours of having their baby - my instinct here would be if you want to leave hospital so soon why not have a home birth and create a nurturing supportive environment in which to deliver your baby.

In different cultures around the world this is how they support the new mum after birth: -

In Guatemala, a traditional midwife visits the new mom every day or 2 for up to 2 weeks after birth to check the baby's cord, massage the mother and do house work so the mother can 

Chinese women rest for 30 days after giving birth.  Female relatives or live-in helpers do the housework for the new mother. 

In the Middle East, it's the custom to rest 40 days postpartum in Jordan, Lebanon, Egypt, and Palestine.  During this 40-day period, someone comes to the house or stays with the new mother to take care of the baby, the house, and the other children, so that all new mothers have to do is rest 

In Mayan Indian culture in Mexico, a new mother and infant must remain inside for 7 days and have limited contact with non-household visitors. After the first week, the mother may increase her activities. She resumes her full, normal activities only after the 20th-day sobada, a postpartum massage by a midwife, which constitutes the formal termination of the childbirth process.

We may not be able to rest for 30-40 days, wouldnt it be lovely though if you and your partner could discuss arrangements for after the birth which includes rest and relaxation, no housework and very few visitors - This is what I encourage all my Doula clients to do for a minimum of 7 days.  

Dr Bruce Lipton, pioneering cell biologist and epigeneticist says that the ONLY people it is important for a baby to bond with in the first 2 weeks are the parents.  This is because a baby is learning who it will learn from during the first few years of life.  Who's responses will it use in order to understand the world.

So put your feet up cuddle your baby and enjoy the most precious time you will have with them.

'They will make such good parents'

As the dust settles on the Royal pregnancy and birth - some of us are more grateful than others for the fuss to die down. One comment which seems to be constantly said in the past 24 to 48 hours is 'They will make such good parents' - What does this mean? Kate and William will make good parents because they are Royal - they are young - they will have access to all sorts of help? 
Everyone’s  perception of a good parents is very different, the amount of books on parenting and the various ideologies will back this up. We have:-

Attachment parenting  - the goal is for parent and child to form a strong emotional bond. The people who adopt this parenting style strive to promptly respond to their child's needs and be sensitive and emotionally available for their child at all times. The belief is that strong attachment to the parent helps the child become a more secure, empathic, peaceful human being. 


Instinctive Parenting - This might be called the "old school" method of parenting, "intuition" or simply a feeling of "go with your gut."  Instinctive parenting is "very much your own personal style of parenting, usually influenced by your own upbringing." In other words, as an instinctive parent you're more likely to teach what you know and parent the way you were parented, whether you were brought up by your mother and father, siblings or another caregiver.

Helicopter Parenting - "Helicopter parents constantly interact with and often interfere with their children's lives. They hover like a helicopter - While helicopter parenting is fairly normal to ensure the safety and security of babies and very young children, be forewarned -- smothering your child in every aspect of their life can ultimately backfire. "Too much of this style of parenting and children can become dependent on their parents' money, time and advice past their college years and into their professional careers,

Authoritative Parenting - "You live under my roof, you follow my rules!" It's a cliche, but one that parents may often find themselves speaking -- and it probably most closely mimics the authoritative parenting style. The parents who fit into this category typically establish rules and guidelines and expect their children to follow them, but the methodology is a bit more democratic than "what I say goes." For children who fail to meet the authoritative parent's expectations, the parent is more nurturing, forgiving and responsive. Their idea of discipline is to be assertive but not restrictive, to support rather than punish.

Permissive Parenting - It's a child's world for permissive parents, sometimes referred to as non-traditional, indulgent parents. "They have very few demands to make of their children and rarely discipline them because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control," 
If at any point the word "lenient" comes back into play, it's for this type of parent. The permissive parenting style is often evidenced by individuals who try to be more friend than parent, avoid confrontation and are generally nurturing and communicative.

I am sure as you read through the different styles you could see yourself doing all of the above at varying times, so to say that particular people will make good parents is patronising and condescending to all parents, from experience all parents dip in and out a various different parenting styles dependant on the situation and how they are feeling at the time. 

The guilt we feel as mums and dads to be a 'good' parent is immense and to hear comments such as 'they will make good parents' make life a little more difficult for the rest of us who are struggling to do the very best for our children at whatever stage they are in life

Kate and William will go through the trials and tribulations that every parent goes through unfortunately will be scrutinised - so let’s not make life difficult for them and other parents by making comments that can increase the level of insecurity on whether you are doing a good job or not

Ooh I would love to be a Doula

When people ask me what I do for a living I say I am an ante natal teacher and doula, this is followed by either knowing nods of 'yes i know about them - Doulas - my sister/friend/acquaintance had one' - or I am given a  puzzled look as although they know what an ante natal teacher is - the word doula is somewhat more intriguing.

So I explain what a Doula is - well I tend to say a childbirth companion and people tend to to then go 'arh ok' they mainly then say 'do you only work with single parents?' thinking that if they have a husband/partner/mother/sister with them there is no need for a Doula. I say yes I have supported single parents but also just as many couples as they value the support given to them by a doula. This is then followed by  - 'ooh i would love to be a Doula - it must be great watching the baby being born' 

People perceptions of a Doula are they are only there for the birth, this cannot be further away for the truth.

Supporting a women and her family through her birthing journey, starts from the first call, when the enquiry is made. Listening to the women's experience of any previous births and any anxieties they made be holding on to and why they would like a Doula.

I then arrange to meet the family, there is no formality to this meeting it is very much led by the Mum and Dad to be - de briefing any previous births - this is so important as if the mums to be cannot resolve any issues from the birth it will impact on their impending birth. Discussing various options for their birth - whether is home or hospital - do they want a water birth? What sort of interventions, if any they would like and so on. 

When this meeting has finished I ask the family to think about whether they would like me to be their Doula and let me know - Why you may ask - it is so important that the person you choose to be your Doula is someone who has the same ideas around childbirth as you do. Do you feel you can put your trust in her totally that she will protect you and your space during labour? 

As the mum to be pregnancy progresses, I am on hand via email, text and phone - meeting regularly and looking at active birth positions to alleviate common pregnancy ailments and positions for birth. Talking to family members about the new arrival and how they are feeling.

Until finally the on call period starts at week 38 and finishes at week 42 - this means I am on call 24/7 - constantly having my phone with me, not travelling too far and no alcohol. Is this stressful - no its exciting knowing at any moment you can be called to support the woman you have spent the past few months getting to know on her birthing journey. As the mum to be has her bag packed, so do I with the birth plan, fluids, bananas, straws, flannel, underwear and travel toothbrush and toothpaste - you never know how long your going to be away from home for.

Then the call comes - generally in the middle of the night. Off I go to meet mum at her chosen place of delivery and we have a chat about how things are going and then I support mum to use her instincts to birth her baby - this can be keeping upright and walking, rotating the hips on the birthing ball and helping her to breathe through her contractions, light touch massage and visualisations. Also making sure mum to be has plenty to drink and has slow releasing energy food. It is also important for the Doula to sit back and watch and use her instincts to support the mum to be.

Soon - I use the term 'soon' loosely as this can be anything from 6 - 48 hours, it is time for baby to make their appearance - babies come at various speeds from shooting out to those taking it slowly and bit by bit - when baby comes, no matter how many birth you attend each one is special in its own way and I still feel choked when I see a baby birthed by mum and having skin to skin contact.

I can then help mum, get settled on the ward if in hospital, have a shower and get all freshened up or I can leave mum, dad and baby all to get to know each other - the choice is theirs.

I feel it is such a privilege to be allowed to be a part of a families journey and will I always cherish each family and birth.

So would you love to be a Doula? Have a look at Doula UK website and see what you think or have a look at my website to see testimonials and other services I offer